Austin Chicago Summer Mission: Week Seven Update: Seeing the Forest

So I am currently in California, sitting inside of a house that we are renting. Don't worry, I didn't give up and run away, I am in California this weekend for my cousin's wedding, flew out Thursday night from O'Hare and will be here until Sunday afternoon. It's fun being here, but it it isn't going to be a picnic. Managing distant family relationships and trying to keep current ones from crumbling will take up most of my energy while I am here. But this weekend offers a unique opportunity to reflect on how this summer is going from a distance, when I can see the whole picture, the forest instead of just the trees.

First, I realize from being away how much each day counts on a summer mission. It has not even been 2 days, and I have already missed going to a White Sox game (watching them get beaten by the Tigers!) and getting caught in a torrential downpour that I'm sure will be the subject of a few stories when I return to Chicago. I miss how much I could have learned about each person in those times together, how God has designed their personality and temperament. I love learning about all the people on this mission, they are all so unique, from so many different backgrounds, and with so many different ways of looking at life. Most importantly, they were all made in the image of God, and that alone makes them worth getting to know.

Secondly, I'm understanding the burden of leadership. We have had to make many decisions as the leadership team of fifteen as well as the team of four directors, and we realize that the decisions don't make everyone or even the majority happy. We are called to lead and shepherd the rest of the mission in a direction we feel God has called us in. We come to that decision together, of course taking into account the popular opinion. One difficulty I have encountered because of this separation of responsibility is that in a lot of things I have felt alone, like I can't vent my thoughts to anyone else besides the directors. A part of this feeling comes from feeling like I have to be secretive about decisions we are in the act of making, or that I shouldn't burden anyone else with something that is not their problem.

In a night of frustration, I called the staff member who had this role when the staff were here, Ryan Janosko. We talked on the phone for about an hour about many things, one being this feeling I was having. He reminded me that it is ok to confide in others, and even suggested I be more open with the men I am discipling on the leadership team. I am not alone here on this mission, and it's no use pretending that I am. I can share my burdens with God, as Jesus called us to in Matthew 11.

28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV)

As I was writing in my journal yesterday, I was pondering a feeling I have been fighting for the past few weeks of mission. This thought was that I was not having the "summer mission experience." I have known for a while now that I did not come into summer mission without expectations, like I was told to do. I realized yesterday that I still have ideas of what my "perfect summer mission" would look like, and I have been holding everything up to this standard. A big part of that has been me asking myself if this summer mission has been a life-changing experience. But the problem with comparing everything with this idea in my head is just that, it's in my head. It's imaginary. It is a collection of stories that I have heard from other people, my mind's manipulation of those stories, and my own desires mixed together into a melting pot, resulting in a product that the Devil has been using to condemn me whenever I don't live up to this unreachable standard I have set for myself.

Heavy stuff. But there is so much freedom in realizing this. I had a similar epiphany last Thursday when the other male director, Zach Booth, gave a talk about the cross. What I took away from that talk is that when Jesus was forsaken on the cross, enduring pain unimaginable to me, he still trusted God, calling him "my God," "my God." I have had a hard time trusting that the way mission is going is exactly how God wants it to go. Exactly. He will take everything and work it for the good for those who love him. I take comfort often in the fact that in all of my blunders, it is literally impossible for me mess up God's plan for the universe, another person, or myself. I don't have that much power, and I am so grateful for that.

Long story short, I can just live my life! I don't have to be constantly worrying that things aren't going as well as I want them to. My standard is unrealistic, and God works infinitely more in the imperfect than in the perfect. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says,

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

There is so much peace in that.

I gave a talk this past Monday, the 18th, in front of all of the students on mission. It went really well, and I heard from a lot of people that they really appreciated my vulnerability, and even some saying they really needed to hear what I had to say. I'm so grateful God was able to use me in their lives. He is such a master artist, he can even use a crooked tool to make straight lines, and scribbles to create a masterpiece. In short, I talked about 4 points:

God makes himself known to his people. Although we are not worthy to see the full breadth of his characteristics, there is no part of his character that he is hiding from us.
Because God has revealed his character to us, we can trust that his promises are trustworthy.
God promises that when we believe that Jesus died for our sins, we will be forgiven of our sins when we ask and repent. We don't need to keep repeatedly asking.
When we forgive ourselves, or more accurately, agree with God that we are forgiven, we are called to forgive and are capable of forgiving the unimaginable.

I enjoyed speaking so much, sharing with everyone how much God has used these ideas to change my life. I don't know if I will get to do it again, but I don't have to worry about it. If it happens, it happens.

One last point. In the last few weeks, I have been working 20 hours a week. As tough as it has been at times, I am so happy because of the relationships I have been able to build with the people at my work. I have taken every spare moment I can to ask them about their lives and goals. In those short conversations I have been able to hear the basic stories of at least four different coworkers. In learning that some are from a christian background, I was able to invite them to The Break Room, our open Thursday night meetings. In working there, I have been able to be a light for Christ through nonverbal ways a well, whether it be in showing up to work with a smile on my face or playing clean christian rap whenever I get control of the speaker in the kitchen, I have also witnessed the brokenness in the people I work with. Coming from the backgrounds that a lot of them do, I can understand. It just makes me even more excited to go back to work, not to scoop popcorn, but to be a fisher of men, bringing people to Christ.

And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”

Matthew 4:19 (ESV)

Prayer Requests:

That I would continue to rest in God's sovereignty, that I don't have to be constantly worrying about my every action and if they are in exact alignment with my "perfect" imaginary scenario
That the directors and leadership team would continue to grow closer together, enjoying each other's company so we can point each other to God and lead the mission out of that love for him and each other.
That my cousin Brett and his new wife Katrina would have a blessed marriage that would last until death do them part. In this world divorce is so common, it is hard to be optimistic. But as far as I can tell, these two are following God, and with his strength they can do what many of the world would deem impossible, staying faithful to each other.
That my family would have stronger relationships after this weekend, instead of letting relatively small disagreements force them apart.
That I would have a safe trip back to Chicago and be able to transition smoothly back into mission life.
See former posts.