Week Seven Update: Seeing the Forest

So I am currently in California, sitting inside of a house that we are renting.  Don't worry, I didn't give up and run away, I am in California this weekend for my cousin's wedding, flew out Thursday night from O'Hare and will be here until Sunday afternoon. It's fun being here, but it it isn't going to be a picnic. Managing distant family relationships and trying to keep current ones from crumbling will take up most of my energy while I am here. But this weekend offers a unique opportunity to reflect on how this summer is going from a distance, when I can see the whole picture, the forest instead of just the trees.

First, I realize from being away how much each day counts on a summer mission. It has not even been 2 days, and I have already missed going to a White Sox game (watching them get beaten by the Tigers!) and getting caught in a torrential downpour that I'm sure will be the subject of a few stories when I return to Chicago. I miss how much I could have learned about each person in those times together, how God has designed their personality and temperament. I love learning about all the people on this mission, they are all so unique, from so many different backgrounds, and with so many different ways of looking at life. Most importantly, they were all made in the image of God, and that alone makes them worth getting to know.

Secondly, I'm understanding the burden of leadership. We have had to make many decisions as the leadership team of fifteen as well as the team of four directors, and we realize that the decisions don't make everyone or even the majority happy. We are called to lead and shepherd the rest of the mission in a direction we feel God has called us in. We come to that decision together, of course taking into account the popular opinion. One difficulty I have encountered because of this separation of responsibility is that in a lot of things I have felt alone, like I can't vent my thoughts to anyone else besides the directors. A part of this feeling comes from feeling like I have to be secretive about decisions we are in the act of making, or that I shouldn't burden anyone else with something that is not their problem.

In a night of frustration, I called the staff member who had this role when the staff were here, Ryan Janosko. We talked on the phone for about an hour about many things, one being this feeling I was having. He reminded me that it is ok to confide in others, and even suggested I be more open with the men I am discipling on the leadership team. I am not alone here on this mission, and it's no use pretending that I am. I can share my burdens with God, as Jesus called us to in Matthew 11.

28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV)

As I was writing in my journal yesterday, I was pondering a feeling I have been fighting for the past few weeks of mission. This thought was that I was not having the "summer mission experience." I have known for a while now that I did not come into summer mission without expectations, like I was told to do. I realized yesterday that I still have ideas of what my "perfect summer mission" would look like, and I have been holding everything up to this standard. A big part of that has been me asking myself if this summer mission has been a life-changing experience. But the problem with comparing everything with this idea in my head is just that, it's in my head. It's imaginary. It is a collection of stories that I have heard from other people, my mind's manipulation of those stories, and my own desires mixed together into a melting pot, resulting in a product that the Devil has been using to condemn me whenever I don't live up to this unreachable standard I have set for myself.

Heavy stuff. But there is so much freedom in realizing this. I had a similar epiphany last Thursday when the other male director, Zach Booth, gave a talk about the cross. What I took away from that talk is that when Jesus was forsaken on the cross, enduring pain unimaginable to me, he still trusted God, calling him "my God," "my God." I have had a hard time trusting that the way mission is going is exactly how God wants it to go. Exactly. He will take everything and work it for the good for those who love him. I take comfort often in the fact that in all of my blunders, it is literally impossible for me mess up God's plan for the universe, another person, or myself. I don't have that much power, and I am so grateful for that. 

Long story short, I can just live my life! I don't have to be constantly worrying that things aren't going as well as I want them to. My standard is unrealistic, and God works infinitely more in the imperfect than in the perfect. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, 

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

There is so much peace in that.

I gave a talk this past Monday, the 18th, in front of all of the students on mission. It went really well, and I heard from a lot of people that they really appreciated my vulnerability, and even some saying they really needed to hear what I had to say. I'm so grateful God was able to use me in their lives. He is such a master artist, he can even use a crooked tool to make straight lines, and scribbles to create a masterpiece. In short, I talked about 4 points:

1. God makes himself known to his people. Although we are not worthy to see the full breadth of his characteristics, there is no part of his character that he is hiding from us.
2. Because God has revealed his character to us, we can trust that his promises are trustworthy.
3. God promises that when we believe that Jesus died for our sins, we will be forgiven of our sins when we ask and repent. We don't need to keep repeatedly asking.
4. When we forgive ourselves, or more accurately, agree with God that we are forgiven, we are called to forgive and are capable of forgiving the unimaginable.

I enjoyed speaking so much, sharing with everyone how much God has used these ideas to change my life. I don't know if I will get to do it again, but I don't have to worry about it. If it happens, it happens.

One last point. In the last few weeks, I have been working 20 hours a week. As tough as it has been at times, I am so happy because of the relationships I have been able to build with the people at my work. I have taken every spare moment I can to ask them about their lives and goals. In those short conversations I have been able to hear the basic stories of at least four different coworkers. In learning that some are from a christian background, I was able to invite them to The Break Room, our open Thursday night meetings. In working there, I have been able to be a light for Christ through nonverbal ways a well, whether it be in showing up to work with a smile on my face or playing clean christian rap whenever I get control of the speaker in the kitchen, I have also witnessed the brokenness in the people I work with. Coming from the backgrounds that a lot of them do, I can understand. It just makes me even more excited to go back to work, not to scoop popcorn, but to be a fisher of men, bringing people to Christ.

And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” 

Matthew 4:19 (ESV)

Prayer Requests:

• That I would continue to rest in God's sovereignty, that I don't have to be constantly worrying about my every action and if they are in exact alignment with my "perfect" imaginary scenario
• That the directors and leadership team would continue to grow closer together, enjoying each other's company so we can point each other to God and lead the mission out of that love for him and each other.
• That my cousin Brett and his new wife Katrina would have a blessed marriage that would last until death do them part. In this world divorce is so common, it is hard to be optimistic. But as far as I can tell, these two are following God, and with his strength they can do what many of the world would deem impossible, staying faithful to each other.
• That my family would have stronger relationships after this weekend, instead of letting relatively small disagreements force them apart.
• That I would have a safe trip back to Chicago and be able to transition smoothly back into mission life.
• See former posts.

The unmarried cousins and Grandma at In-n-Out

Walking into the rehearsal dinner

The rehearsal dinner location was right off of the beach!

As always, you are loved.

-Austin

Week Five Update: Still Sprinting

Hey all, I haven't been able to set aside time to write this until now, and there are people hanging put up in the Sky Lounge eight floors above me, so this is going to be short.

I'm still flying at full speed at work, in my role, and just in everyday life. I feel like I am always doing something. So much as happened since I last wrote an update. The staff walked out on Thursday, very ceremoniously, and all of a sudden it was clear that we are on our own. 96 students setting out to share the good news of Jesus Christ while at the same time falling deeper in love with him.

Leading is incredibly hard. I am in charge of the budget, and as a result of that I am constantly fielding questions about money, what to do with it, and how much a particular team has, It's exhausting, but I was reminded by my roommate how much I am serving the mission by doing this. He was so relieved that he was able to fully enjoy other people because he didn't have to think and worry about what still needs to be done. I don't want to be constantly worried, God calls us not to worry, but to trust him, but I'm glad I am in position so he doesn't have to be. I am already seeing flaws that this position is bringing out in me, including instability in my identity, resulting in both pride and self-condemnation.

Now leading is not all bad. I am getting to know the other 3 directors and the rest of the team of students that are leading this mission. We will continue to grow together and mature as God uses all of us. But we are definitely still in the growing phase, and it is painful.

I will be discipling two other men for the rest of the summer. For those who don't know, discipleship is a biblical principle of coming alongside another believer with the intent of growing them as a person and in their faith. I have learned discipleship involves three things: relationship, scriptural study, and evangelism. I have been involved in this type of relationship since winter semester of freshman year, being discipled since then, but also discipling a freshman last semester. This summer I have been poured into (in other words, being taught, encouraged, and admonished) by a staff member by the name of Pete Avery, who is on staff with Cru at multiple colleges in central Illinois. The first five weeks I learned from him both from meeting together once a week and watching him as he interacted with students on campus, with his wife and family, and with God. I learned a lot from him, some of which I probably don;t even realize yet.

Because of my role as a director, I was chosen to disciple two other men on the leadership team by the name of Bryan and Ryan. The catch to this is that both of these men are older than me, one considerably so. But even if they weren't, this discipleship would not be solely one directional. As in any relationship, it will go both ways. I'm not sure how these times will look, but I know that in meeting with these men off God and getting to know them better, each one of us will learn and benefit. And I am so excited to do so, even more because I got to meet with both once them once already and go sharing with them.

God is doing big things, but it is not easy. This sprint is starting to get painful, but I will keep pushing on. The prize is worth it.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable."

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 (ESV)

Oh, I also had the amazing opportunity to see this wonderful woman for 4 days this past weekend.

I miss her even more than I did before.

Prayer Requests:

• That I would trust in God when I am afraid of the future
• That I would rely on God for strength and energy when I have none left
• That God would grow this community closer together even more so now that the staff is gone
• That God would empower the leadership team with the Holy Spirit to be able to make decisions that are beneficial for the rest of the mission
• That God would make me grow closer and closer and closer still to him
• See previous posts

No matter where you are, what you are, and who you are, 

you are loved.

-Austin 

Week Four Update: FULL SPRINT

So...........yeah. I'm not waiting around anymore. The last week has been incredibly fast paced, and I'm glad I have some time today to reflect and let you all know what has been going on. Let's go chronologically:

Monday night I received an email from the assistant manager at Garrett, asking if I was available for training Tuesday afternoon. It overlapped with the beginning of my small group, which we call action groups, but my discipler and I agreed that it was about time I started working, so I went in. The first day I was mainly learning my way around, including how to take out the trash, where to find cleaning supplies, etc. Before the end of the day I was handing out popcorn bags and calling out ticket numbers. If you have ever been to Garrett Popcorn Shops before, you know that the popcorn goes in one bag, which goes in another bag, which goes in another bag. It's pretty intense. But, long story short, even though the manager told me that training normally takes two weeks, I became a full-fledged member of the team after two days. I have so far worked four separate shifts, two 5-hour shifts and two 8-hr shifts. I even stayed to close this past Saturday.

There have been some times when the shop has gotten ridiculously busy. On Saturday we were out of caramel popcorn for like 10 minutes, and the orders were piling up because they just kept taking orders. There was a crowd of at least 30 people in the lobby! But in those moments I also find some joy, because with nothing else to do I get to interact with the people. After apologizing for the wait, I surveyed the crowd on where people were from, identified with the Michigan people, bantered with the Ohio State fans, and overall just had a good time. I enjoyed seeing some people in the crowd smile.

It has had some hard things involved as well. I witnessed some pretty strong verbal abuse by one of the customers to the child she was with. I froze, not knowing what I could or could not do, and ended up not doing anything. It makes me so angry thinking about it now, that someone could look at anyone and treat them like their opinion doesn't matter. But it is a blunt reminder that this world is so broken, this happens anywhere and everywhere people don't look at others as being made in the image of God himself. On this 4th of July, it fits to say that to be treated as such, that is an unalienable right.

Moving on, we come to Wednesday morning. I had known this week was when the students would be learning what roles we would be taking on so that the mission would keep running when the staff leave this Thursday the 7th. However, I was caught off guard when the Operations Director texted me asking if we could meet. I stopped into the coffee shop where he was on the way to my second day on the job, and he informed me that for the second half of the summer, I would be taking over the Operations Director Role.

What that means is I will be a full fledged director along with 3 other students, directors of the entire summer mission and the direction it will go for the next 5 weeks. Along with that, I will be in charge of the budget and all spending that will go on as we continue the pattern of activities we have established these first four weeks. There is a lot of paperwork, forms, and math that will go into this.

That night, the entire student leadership team, which consists of 15 students, met for the first time. It was there I understood certainly the weight of my role. Every student was divided up into boxes on a page, a flow chart depicting who reported to who and who was in charge of what. My name was one of the four at the top of the page. I am really going to be a leader. As the night went on, I felt my shoulders getting heavier and heavier as the roles were described and our task was laid out in front of us, the first being choosing a theme and bible passages that the rest of the mission would be studying for the rest of the summer in action groups, large group meetings, and individually. It was just so much, and there was so little time.

As we went to have our first brainstorming session immediately afterwards, I left the room and ran up and down the stairs, with each step saying in my head what my heart did not fully believe. "I'm in the image of God, his image was not erased within me." Over and over again, I reminded myself that God knows what he is doing, and that I am working in his name. He trusts me and believes in me, as the staff do as well or they would not have entrusted me with my role. I felt a lot better after that.

It has been 5 days since that night, and I have felt slightly less overwhelmed with every passing day. Sunday we had meetings for all of our roles, and because of the many roles I have to play, I was in a lot of meetings, and I was exhausted, but it was a good exhaustion. The rest of my summer starts soon, this Thursday night, as the staff symbolically walk out of the meeting and move out of the Dwight Friday morning. People always say summer mission doesn't start until the staff leave, and I am already starting to feel that.

I don't know what the rest of the summer will bring. Each day is a new adventure in learning how to walk in God's way that day. But I think that is how God has called us to live our lives. It is only because I am here in Chicago that I feel it so much more, as my worldly comforts of laziness, complacency, and exhaustive planning are taken away. Here, I am bare before the Lord, and he will mold me as he sees fit. It will be really hard, I know that. But I am ready, knowing that it is not my master that is shaping me, to whom I yield out of fear, but my Father to whom I yield out of love.

Special Shout Out: To my mom and younger brother, who flew out to visit me on what happened to be the absolutely worst weekend to visit and still made me so happy and content, encouraging me with every word and action. I only had a little while to write this, otherwise I would have written more.

Prayers:

• That God would guide myself and the other 3 directors in how to lead in a way that is honorable to him
• That God would guide our leadership team as we pick a theme, sub-themes, and scripture for the next few weeks
• That I would continue to remember that God desires to be with me even when I don't feel worthy, I am in his sight
• Praise that God gave me the role that he did, in anticipation of what he is going to teach me this summer
• That God would show me grace and humility as I learn to handle finances this week and have them handed over to me and my team next week.
• That I would rest in who God is and the certainty we have that no matter what, he will win in the end
• See other posts

Happy 4th of July!

-Austin