This week has been very sedentary. I didn't have orientation at Garrett's until Wednesday night, and even that was just talking through policies and procedures. I start training sometime next week. Honestly, that made this last week was frustrating for me. As I described in a previous post, I have trouble relaxing without feeling like I am being lazy. And the feeling is multiplied when it seems like most people around me are working each day at their respective jobs. Thankfully, I still had our weekly schedule for the nights, which looks like this:
Monday Night- Dinner and In-House Meeting at Harvest Bible Chapel
Tuesday Night- Dinner and Small Group Bible Study
Wednesday Night- Dinner and Night with the Lord/Date Night with Jesus
Thursday Night- Open Meeting at Harvest Bible Chapel
During the day this week I did a variety of things. I did a lot of reading of the Bible, focusing on the book of 1 Peter, which we are studying this month, as well as reading the two books The Finishers by Roger Hershey and Jason Weimer and Love Does by Bob Goff (Side note: I got a Chicago library card and they have a hug branch right by the Dwight Lofts where I am living, with a bunch of Christian books, where I picked up Love Does as well as Heaven by Randy Alcorn). I also took a personality test called the Enneagram that my discipler had found useful in his life for uncovering his motivations for some of his actions as well as reading on identity and masculinity for our discipleship time.
As a result of all of my reading, a couple of things from this past week have really stuck out to me, and they actually go together.
First of all, I am discovering that in my heart, I don't put ministry as a priority. I went to campus on Tuesday this past week, and got to talk with two more individuals, sharing a little of what I believe about the nature of God with one individual. On Wednesday and Thursday, I could have gone to campus again, but I chose to stay behind because of reading I wanted to do, and little tasks I wanted to get done. It struck me on Thursday how much I was avoiding going to campus more than I was "required" to. This came upon both as I was thinking about the main purpose of this mission, which is to grow in our faith by sharing the gospel with other college students and people in Chicago, as well as the main message of The Finishers, which is about taking the gospel to all corners of the globe, to all the unreached people groups who have never heard the gospel. (If you are curious, check out https://joshuaproject.net/)
I saw my quickness in shrugging off going to share my faith on campus that Thursday, and it really showed me how I still have a fear of sharing. Is this catastrophic? No, not really. But I do think that this is one way of God revealing to me how I think very highly of myself, and, as I asked him to do, he is revealing my strengths and my weaknesses so I can rely on him for both. Now there are many ways I could receive this news. I could wallow in shame, feeling horrible for putting myself ahead of God. And I would do that too if I needed to prove myself to God, that I am worthy of his forgiveness. But I'm not worthy of his forgiveness. This is by no means the first time I have put myself before God in my life, and it won't be the last. But by his son Jesus I am forgiven if I turn from those ways and fix my eyes on him. And that leads me to a better way to respond to his conviction of selfishness in my life, and my last story of this post.
On Tuesday night, the entire Chicago Summer Mission participated in our own version of Chopped. We had a half hour to make a dessert from Cheezits, Bacon, Guava juice, Semi-sweet chocolate, and Orange Jello mix. I was pretty confident in my room, but honestly we didn't do that well. None the less, we were on our way to the lounge area where we would be presenting our food. As we attempted to deliver our chocolate dipped bacon and Cheezits with an orange-guava sauce to the judging table, another young man on our mission turned around very quickly in front of me as I was carrying two of our three plates. Bacon and cheezits went everywhere, and we were suddenly one plate short. This gentleman, who will go unnamed, was immediately thrown into distress, repeating over and over again, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," I tried to tell him it was ok, it was just a game, but he kept repeating it over and over again, a pained tone in his voice. I wrapped my arms around him, and said in his ear, half talking, half whispering, "It's ok, it's ok, I forgive you. Now stop saying I'm sorry."
Love Does has a similar story. Bob Goff was driving without a seat belt when an elderly woman ran a stop sign and hit him, totaling his car and sending him through the top of his Jeep and out onto the street. Miraculously, he was not seriously injured. The woman was very shaken up, and after they had exchanged information, called him multiple times in the next two weeks telling him how sorry she was. Bob, who did not hold anything against her, actually sent her an order of flowers with a note, saying, "It was great running into you...Now stop calling me! Bob."
I'm going to make the same point Goff makes in his book, that we don't have to keep apologizing to God. That is bluntly not believing in the promise he made that if we asked to be forgiven and repented from our sins, he would forgive us. What's more, not believing that he has forgiven me is not believing that he is a good God. I want to believe that, so I will not keep beating myself up for my lukewarm attitude towards reaching God's people. He loves me too much for that. Instead, I will trust that as I get closer to him, my heart for his created people would grow.
Prayer requests:
- That I would start working at Garrett's next week
- That God would grow my heart for reaching the people that don't know him
- For the people I am going to meet/did meet (depending on when you read this) at our city outreach this afternoon in the city of Chicago, as we go around asking people what they value and share our values and beliefs with them if they desire it.
- That God would continue to grow our community, which has already banded together to do so much in the lives of others and in the lives of people on our mission
- That the people in other student's lives would be moved to give to the mission, as many students are not yet fully funded.
- That God would be working in my heart to seek out those on the mission who I have not gotten along with so far and get to know them, not letting first impressions ruin how I see them for the rest of the summer.
- That God would continue to show me the ways I disobey him and by result am not perfect, so I can give him full credit for saving me, and not deceive myself by thinking I have any part in my salvation because of my vain glory.
Thank you for your prayers, and don't hesitate to reach out and say hello!
-Austin
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